Santa is a bankerDec 22nd, 2008 | By Ian Poulton | Category: Ireland
Right so, lads, here’s the scheme!
No, no, it’s not a scam. This is straight from the government and, sure, aren’t they always straight?
We keep our jobs and we keep the firm and the government gives us money.
I’ll tell you – €5 billion.
It’s a grand Christmas present, lads.
No, it’s not a joke. Well, not a joke on us anyway.
Here’s how it works; it’s a piece of genius.
So, the government has this fund of money.
Yeah, I know the government has no money – but that’s for health care and stuff like that. Sure, it’s a pity those ones on the news stories don’t have health insurance like my own.
Anyway, lads, would you stop interrupting me and listen.
The government has this fund and it’s going to give us €5 billion from it as a dig from the few problems we’ve been having.
Where did the fund come from?
The taxpayer, of course. Sure, where else would it come from?
Anyway, the government gives us the money and we have to give it some preference shares.
Now, don’t panic, lads, they’re not taking us over. We have to pay them a dividend – 8% for most of us, 10% for those who have been very naughty.
We use their money to lend out, and we make money and the government makes money. Of course, as the government has preference share, it means that if there is nothing left for other shareholders, we’ll just have to apologise.
Yeah, I know you know a little lady in the West who was left a few shares by her father and who used to count on a bit of income, but, sure, don’t we all have to make sacrifices?
Anyway, we lend out the government’s money, that it has got from the taxpayer, and we make money with it, and we pay the government back, while, of course ensuring our own modest remuneration. It could hardly be a better Christmas present!
Who will we lend it to? Well sure, lads, isn’t that the irony? Who is there left to lend money to?
Property developers? Tut, tut. Mustn’t go down that path again, must we.
No, the only person left to lend to is the ordinary punter.
Sure, isn’t it a gas? The ones who paid taxes all through the years to build up the fund; the ones who couldn’t afford the tax avoidance schemes; are the ones who are now going to be paying to borrow the money that was theirs in the first place.
And, do you know what?
There’s hardly a soul to object. They’ve all gone on their holidays.
Do you know lads? Santa has come four days early.
Who’s for a drink? I think something expensive is in order.