A “Del-boy” character tries to explain, on the phone, how he has changed

Tommy? Tommy? Is that you? I can’t hear myself, it so noisy here!

“Who’s this?” Who do you think it is, the queen of Sheba? It’s Mattie, your old mate Mattie.

What do you mean, “Old is the word for it”? I’ll have you know that I know for a fact that you are two years older than me.

No, Tommy, don’t hang up; I’m not looking for an argument. Listen to me, mate, please, just listen, I got some stuff I want to say.

Yeah, I know it’s a long time since I called you. I’m sorry about that.

Yeah, I know I’ve said “Sorry” before.

Yeah, I know I missed your dad’s funeral. I did send some flowers.

What do you mean “they were cheap”? They were the best I could find, a man as busy as I am doesn’t have time to go and search for nice bouquets. Anyway, it’s the thought that counts. Look, Tommy, I didn’t call you to discuss flowers; I wanted to talk about serious stuff.

No, Tommy, I’m not looking for anything. I don’t want any money, I don’t want any words in the right places; I don’t want any insider information.

Yeah, I’m feeling fine. There is nothing wrong with me. In fact, I don’t think I remember a time when I ever felt so well.

No, I haven’t found a new wife. I’m very happy with the one I have. I’m sure Rae would want to send you her best wishes if she knew I was talking to you.

Yes, she was a lovely girl and, no, I didn’t deserve her. Tommy, you’re like a scratched record sometimes!

Listen, mate, I’m phoning because I owe you money.

How much money? A lot of money, an awful lot of money.

When did you lend it to me? You didn’t Tommy, that’s the point. We’re not talking about an unpaid loan; we’re talking about money I stole from you.

How did I steal it? How do you think? The taxes your men paid on all that stuff! It wasn’t just you; everyone got caught, a bit extra here, a bit extra there. It all mounts up; I was doing some calculations, I owe you a very large sum of money.

No, Tommy, this is not a wind up! I owe you loads of money, loads and loads of it.

Why did I take it? Because that was my business, I took money off people, because that’s what I did; that was me.

Yeah, I know that wasn’t a very nice thing to do.

Yeah, you could say that.

If you say so, Tommy, I’m not arguing with you.

Hold on, mate, just listen a minute, just listen! Before you get too cross, what I’m phoning you up about is to say I’m sorry and that I’m paying it all back to you.

Seriously, all the money I fiddled, money you didn’t even know about, I’m handing it back with my apologies.

It’s no joke. It’s this bloke I met; you wouldn’t believe it, Tommy. I’m telling you, one day I’ll write it all down, then loads of people will hear about this bloke, I’m telling you, mate, there will be loads of them.