It was a pleasant day on the coast of Co Antrim. An undertaker stood beside me as we waited for mourners to gather at a grave. “She doesn’t want any soil used at the commital.”
“Fine,” I said, “that is not a problem.”
“She says no-one is going to throw dirt on top of her mother. As soon as she is out of the cemetery, half a ton of dirt will be going on top of her mother.”
The gravediggers stood at a distance so it was not possible to ask them, did it really only take half a ton of soil to bury someone? Could you really leave someone six feet under with the contents of just ten one hundredweight sacks?
The woman’s request, almost twenty years ago, was a precursor of much encountered I the years since, where mourners once filed past a grave throwing in handfuls of soil, they will often now have red roses, completely missing the earthy reality of the funeral prayers. Even the earth itself is now hidden, the pile of soil, half a ton or whatever the actual weight, is covered with artificial grass matting, pegged down so that none of the mud is visible. Even the area around the grave now seems to be matted, it makes for clean shoes but isn’t it an avoiding of the issue? Once, I saw a coffin lowered down through garlands of ivy that had been used to adorn the grave, to attempt to almost conceal the opening in the ground.
Even the vocabulary has changed, “death” is now as taboo a word as “sex” was in Victorian times. Euphemisms abound, even “pass away” is a blunt term when compared to suggestions that the deceased “has gone to be with” whoever it is from the family that has died before them.
Is all the avoidance of the issue good for us? The old “Book of Common Prayer” did not even have anything called a ” funeral” service, it had an order for “The Burial of the Dead”, an order that was nothing if not blunt, to the extent of referring to worms destroying this body. Perhaps it was unduly harsh, but in the quest for sensitivity we have swung to an opposite extreme, pretending that the harsh reality of death is something other than what it is.
Death is never something that can be coped with through euphemisms, how can people cope if the truth of their pain is not acknowledged? Sensitivity is important, but so is reality.